#031 Thailand Update: Shopping With a Woman

I get in the van today, encouraged to write about something, but not altogether sure what to write about. I hate it when that happens! However, since my wife was so happy with me returning to writing, I find myself wanting to write more. I’m sure I can think of something. I’ve got to put that college education to good use somehow.

Today is a memorable day in my life. Today is the first day I go home from work early. I will be leaving today at 3pm because I have to get home by 5pm so my wife can make a dentist appointment at 6pm.

Ugh!

Back in the US, my wife and I managed to work things out just fine with one vehicle. It is far more difficult here. The major reason is because my work is about 2 hours away. When you are two hours away from anything, it dramatically changes the way you do things. Let me explain.

If I am in the US and I forget my mobile phone, I will normally decide to wait until lunchtime to go home and get it. If I need my phone urgently, I may even request that my wife bring it in for me. My home is only minutes away from work, so it is normally not too big of an inconvenience.

If I forget my phone in Thailand, I meekly ask my driver to turn around and go home (Kaap Bahn). This means we have to find a place to make a u-turn, which is normally where all the cars are presently backed up. We have to weave our way through this traffic, driving in the opposite direction, just so we can make the u-turn to go the other way. Once we are going in the right direction, we fight traffic again to eventually find ourselves at the turnoff to Nichada. Several turns and countless speedbumps later, I find myself in front of my condo to get my...

Wait a second... what did I come back for?

The mobile phone is a very important item in Thailand. Among other things, it is the lifeline between me and my wife while I’m at work, and it is the only means that I have to communicate with my driver. Without my phone, I am completely stranded. Again, let me give you an example. Let me tell you about a recent trip to Pantip Plaza.

Mobile Phones and Pantip Plaza

I decide one day to go to Pantip Plaza. For anyone who has been to Thailand, you might recognize the name. Pantip Plaza is an electronic Mecca. It is the place all technophiles flock to, because it a central repository for all things related to computers and electronic gadgets. Granted, it cannot light a candle to an American Fry’s Technology, but then again, does Fry’s Technology carry the latest theatrical release in DVD? Or can you buy Office 2003 for 5 bucks at Fry’s? Okay, okay, so maybe it’s not as “authentic” as what you find in the US, and maybe the label was freshly printed on a bubble jet printer, but... umm... at least the bubble jet printer technology is advancing. NOTE: For the record, the only software I have purchased from Pantip (on this trip) was Thai language software, and I have yet to purchase a DVD. But, I digress.

So, I’m at Pantip Plaza. We get into the garage, and my driver tells me that he’ll wait for me here. Just give him a call when I’m ready. I think I went to Pantip to get a battery for my PDA. Of course, I cannot just walk into Pantip Plaza and get a battery, right? I need to look around a bit.

I think browsing electronics is what makes it possible for a man to gain a little understanding why a woman can look at fifteen different blouses and wonder which three she really wants. To the man, all fifteen look exactly the same, and we have to wonder why you would even need three. Uh oh, I feel a tangent coming on. Maybe I can hold it back. Nope, this tangent is going to become an entirely different section. Bear with me.

Shopping with a Woman

Before I write anything further, let me preface everything I write by saying that I truly love my wife. I love her very much. So much in fact, that the statements I am about to make about shopping should be taken as lightly as humanly possible. However, something has to be said, and I will say it here.

Many men will have the problem I am about to describe. Not all of us are willing to admit it, but I stand before you, unashamed. I suffer from an acute illness that I will henceforth name SADD, or Shopping Attention Deficit Disorder. This strange disease appears to be mostly prevalent in males. Although it does exist within all males, it is more commonly observed in a married man. Single men are much better at covering up the disease in order to win the affections of the opposite sex. This is especially effective on women who have been in relationships where SADD has been fully exposed.

Let me explain how this happens. The wife tells the husband she is running to the grocery store to get a “couple of items.” The husband wags his hand in the air, signaling his approval. Then comes “the question.”
“Honey, do you want to come with me?”

All men recognize this for what it is. It is not a question. It is a statement. When the wife asks this question, what she is really saying is “Honey, you want to come with me.” More specifically, she is saying, “I want to spend more quality time with you, and going shopping with me, alone, without the kids, is a good example of quality time. Only a complete imbecile would not be able to see and appreciate this as a precious moment in time that we can never replace and by agreeing to come with me, you are publicly showing your undying love to me.”

Knowing this part of the language, I agree.

We get to the store. I stupidly ask what we are going to the store to get, knowing full well that even if we are on track to pick up three items, we will leave with three hundred. After all, it is a supermarket.

Supermarkets are setup for women. The doors are never in the middle; they are each end of the store. Why? This allows for women to be able to start from one side of the store and weave up and down every aisle. To ensure success in this regard, they place all the checkout counters in front of all the middle aisles, thereby forcing you to go to one end or the other. Once you get passed the checkout counters, there is a space where a keen shopper (I’ll call these shoppers “men”) can quickly get to a middle aisle, get what they need, and get out. Women do not do this. Women start in produce and end at the bakery.

Here’s where SADD sets in. We are in the produce section because one of the three items we need is celery. As we head toward the celery, my wife notices that the oranges look pretty ripe. Maybe we should get a couple of those. We make a quick stop there, but soon realize that the oranges are still a bit too firm. However, now that we have stopped and looked at oranges, she cannot help but notice that the Red Delicious apples do, in face, look red AND delicious. We can get a few of these and we can chop them up and make them into little snack bags for the kids.

Hmm.. interesting.

Okay, SADD is setting in. If I complain though, I’ll only make things worse. Maybe I can help. I ask my wife, “Can I help you get one of the items while you continue to peruse the fruits and vegetables?” She gives me the look. You know the look. It’s the “Should I trust him with the keys to universe” look. Somehow, I give off a feeling that she can, and she tells me to pick up the corn syrup.

I’m off!

Corn Syrup. Hmm... Any ideas on where that might be? This is where women definitely have an advantage over men. I do not even know where to start looking. It’s gotta be down one of the middle aisles; the ones I rarely find myself on. But which one? This store has 26 aisles, and all of them are painfully long. It’s at this point that I realize supermarkets stock a heckuva lot of food. I start the weave, but to no avail. I think women do the aisle weaving for two reasons: one to compare prices, and two to memorize every conceivable amount of shelf space available.

I decide to test this theory and ask a woman if she knows where the corn syrup is. Of course she does. It’s on aisle 17, midway down the aisle, on the left hand side if you traveling from the cash registers, or the right hand side if you coming from the butcher. It’s on the fourth shelf from the top for small sizes, or the gallon jugs can be found on the lower shelf. As I head toward aisle 17, I hear something about “on sale” but that gets lost in my anxiety to reach the corn syrup. Men do not care about sales anyway. I heard it said that a woman will spend 50 cents for a 1 dollar item she doesn’t need, but a man will spend 2 dollars for a one dollar item he needs. Makes sense to me...

I get to aisle 17 and on the west side of the aisle I find exactly what I’m looking for. I pick up a bottle and head back for the produce section. Why? Because it’s only been twenty minutes. I know my wife is still there.
I get back and throw the corn syrup into the cart. She takes a look at the corn syrup and asks me “did you get the one that was on sale?”

Hmm... I must have missed that one.

Now the questions start. How many kinds of corn syrup did they have? Do they have Karo? Do they have it in the 32ounce jar? Why did you get this kind? It looks expensive.

I try to rationalize that a bottle of corn syrup costing $3 should not matter if measured against a jar costing $4. I mean, it’s only a dollar, right? At this stage SADD has set fully in, and is now showing the final symptoms: complete and total shutdown. I am ready to go home. However, we still have more shopping to do. We have three items to pick up, and so far we’ve only gotten one. We may have fifty items in the cart, but we only got one item that we came for. Apparently, we will have to spend more time on the second item (corn syrup) and pick out a winner. I notice the last item is a loaf of bread.

Great. That’s the bakery. The one on the other side of the store.

Not really sure what this post has to with Thailand, but that’s okay. Sometimes a tangent becomes more than a tangent. Let me reiterate my previous statement about how much I love my wife. I think what I love best about her is her sense of humor. I love how she can take a joke, and find humor in practically anything (hint, hint).

At some point, I was supposed to tie this into leaving my phone in the van when I went to Pantip Plaza, and then having to search the entire garage for my driver because I couldn't call him. But, I've written enough for one post.

Until next time...