#032 Thailand Update: Foot Massage From Hell

Okay, I have to admit that I am shocked today. Yesterday’s post was greeted by positive feedback from the female gender. Now either that means that I thought it was worse than it was, or perhaps I hit the nail on the head? Hmm... maybe men do have an illness. SADD, but true.

I would like to make note though that my wife also shares this same sickness. In the times I have taken my wife with me as I peruse electronics, I believe SADD will set in with her within the first 30 seconds.

The Foot Massage from Hell

Do you remember how I got to leave work early yesterday? If you recall, it was so my wife could make her dentist appointment. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, so I ask her “Do you want me to go?” Of course her reply is yes. You know, more quality time and all that jazz. However, I was failing to see the quality time in sitting in a waiting room for her to finish a two-hour appointment. Did I go anyway?
You bet I did.

On the upside of things, I remembered that on my last dental appointment my wife went next door to get her nails done. I finished my appointment and walked into the shop she was in to also notice they give foot massages.

I have become a bit coddled here in Thailand. A one-hour foot massage costs about 250 Baht, or 6 bucks. And these foot massages are not your ordinary, run of the mill massages. They use aromatherapy, reflexology tools... the works. So, while the wife was getting her mouth worked on, I could enjoy a little creature comfort. That sounded like the perfect plan. Of course I’ll go with you honey!

My wife gets checked in and is seen immediately. That’s another thing I love about Thailand. We rarely have to wait for anything. The service here is outstanding. But, I digress (like that surprises you).
Once she’s checked in, I strut over to the foot massage place. Actually, it’s a nail salon, but I don’t want to call it that. It sounds kinda weird to say that my wife went to the dentist, and I went to the nail salon. I mean, I do have SOME ego.

So far, all my foot massages have been with my wife right next me, and they have always been nearby our condo. This is first time I decided to venture out in the wild unknown. The ladies in the shop didn’t speak a lick of English, and of course I have not learned any Thai that explains what I came in there for, so I point to my feet and make a massage motion with my hands. Ever tried to do that? It looks a little funny. At any rate, they nodded their heads as if they understood. An hour later, I walk out with a nice pedicure and red toenails.

I’m kidding!

I did get a little nervous though when they set me in the chair normally reserved for haircuts and nail work. When I saw people getting the foot massages last week, they were in the nice pleather (is that how you spell fake leather?) lounge chairs. Apparently, I was too long for these chairs. Today, I had a new twist: two ladies for the price of one! I had one for each leg. This was new to me. I get my socks and shoes off and they get to work.

One thing I have learned is the word “jep.” Jep means “pain” and is very useful when talking to a massage therapist. The lady on the right applied some initial pressure and started talking to me in Thai. I heard the word “jep,” so I told her “mai jep,” or “no pain.” She smiled at her friend, said something in Thai, and then went back to work. Judging from the remainder of the massage, I’m assuming what she said was “This man cannot feel pain in his leg. He is very sore and requires a deep tissue treatment to circulate the blood flow back through his legs. Please use your absolute strongest pressure on him so he will be happy. Remember the training from Hilga.”

Why do I say that? Because the rest of the massage was all about “jep.”

Let me describe some of the things they did. You can feel free to try this at home. It is not hard to duplicate some of these activities. Take your hand and make a fist. Take the knuckle part of your fist and rake it back and forth across the surface of your foot. Make sure you cross the bones as you do this, otherwise it won’t hurt as much. Now take one of your knuckles and bury it into the soft area just beneath your ankle. When I say “bury,” what I mean is push so hard that all your skin from your foot tightens up from the hole you are making. Once you have gotten that deep, vigorously rotate your knuckle around. If you can make out the intricacies of your bones, you have gone deep enough. Okay, now take a stick with a rounded edge, and plunge it into the top of each toe. Continue to add pressure. You should feel a pain that is so extreme, it should only be reserved for torture specialists in concentration camps. Not too bad huh? Okay, now take that same stick and run it back forth across the bottom of your feet. Now, hold it like a knife and jab it into the ball of your feet and the heel of your feet. When you jab it into the heel of your feet, you need to do it as hard as you can. You know, because there’s more skin there. Take the stick and put it in between each toe. While pushing down, run it back and forth through each area until the insides of your toes are blood red. Now, put the stick down. (whew!) It’s time to use your foot as a punching bag. There must be a name for the area on the bottom of your feet that is between the balls of your foot and your heel. Not sure what it’s called, but strike this area with your fist as hard as you can. Repeatedly. Do this whole process many times. When your foot can bend back into itself without fail, you’ve made progress. Now it’s time to tackle your shins and calves.
When you find your shin bone, push really hard just beside it. You will find that there is a small cavity just big enough for small fingers to fit in. Get your fingers in here, and then drive them up and down the length of your shin.

Ah, lovely.

Now, using both hands, grapple the calves and squeeze them tightly into your leg. The pain that comes from that will “hurt like the Dickens,” but rest assured there is a good reason for this. What’s the reason? I’m at a loss right now, but I’m sure there is one.

I’m sure the question on your mind is “Why didn’t you just tell them to do it softer?” I can answer that question the same way I answered going into a “nail shop.” I’m a guy. I’m not supposed to feel pain. And even if I do feel pain, I’m not going to admit it to these frail little ladies. However, I am almost positive that any Thai that does massage therapy will make an excellent rock climber. Hands of Steel, I tell ya! Plus, I have to believe that they understand what they are doing. If I live with the pain, it can only mean good things later on, right?

This massage continued for the better part of an hour. Through all my wincing and agonizing, I was able to hold back the tears until nearly the end. Finally, I had to tell them I was experiencing pain, so they backed off a little. I think they even smiled at each other, as if indicating success at beating another man into submission. The massage finished after an hour, I paid my 250 Baht, and hobbled back over to the Dentist’s office. I could still feel the throbbing in my legs, but mostly in my calves. My calves felt the way they do after overworking them in the gym. This morning I woke up to more pain and the realization that they are bruised. I still wonder why I felt the need to withhold telling them it hurt. Sometimes I amaze myself.

Hi Ho... Hi Ho... To the Dentist We all Go...

We have been making several trips to the dentist lately. Why? The work they do in Thailand is very good quality, and the prices are extremely cheap. My son lost his retainer when we went snorkeling. The cost to get a mold and a new retainer: 20 bucks. Fillings are also about 20 bucks each. Everything is cheap, so we are taking advantage of it now while we can. If you happen to see us this holiday season, watch out! You may get blinded by the white.

Until next time...